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The Sex-Starved Marriage_ Boosting Your Marriage Libido_ A Couple_s Guide
A marriage therapist shows couples divided by mismatched sexual desire how to bridge the gap through action-oriented change, empathy, and reframing what desire and real giving actually mean.
A profile of this book is on the way.
What it’s about
Drawing on two decades of clinical practice, Michele Weiner Davis reframes low sexual desire not as one spouse's private failing but as a couple's shared problem that quietly corrodes intimacy, friendship, and marital survival. She dismantles the myth that only women lose interest in sex and that men who want sex are merely 'scratching an itch,' revealing the deep emotional needs beneath the desire gap. With separate, practical guides for the low-desire spouse and the high-desire spouse—and a final section on doing it together—she offers field-tested, solution-oriented tools: goal setting, focusing on exceptions, the 'just do it' Nike Solution, the Siren Solution, doing a 180, and honest sex talk. The book's central, liberating insight is that for many people desire follows arousal rather than preceding it, and that desire, after infatuation fades, is ultimately a decision. Warm, blunt, and hopeful, it promises couples a path back to connection, passion, and a stronger marriage.
The through-line
- Who it’s for
- A married person suffering in a sex-starved marriage—either yearning for more physical intimacy or feeling little desire—who wants a loving, connected, lasting relationship.
- The problem
- A large gap in sexual desire between spouses that has eroded intimacy, affection, and connection. Feeling rejected, hurt, lonely, inadequate, resentful, ashamed, or confused about oneself and the marriage.
- The plan
- Recognize the desire gap as a couple's problem and commit to acting on it.
- Identify the biological, psychological, and relationship causes behind low desire.
- Set positive, action-oriented, small, doable goals and take one step now.
- Use field-tested techniques (Just Do It, focus on exceptions, doing a 180, the Siren Solution) suited to your role.
- Learn constructive communication and honest sex talk to reconnect as loving allies.
- The payoff
- A revitalized, mutually satisfying sexual and emotional connection. · Feeling wanted, loved, attractive, and close to your spouse. · A stronger, happier marriage that endures over decades.
See our guide
Additional reading
- The Truth About Love · Pat Love, Ed.D.
The author wrote the foreword and is cited for key concepts like the unfair monogamy 'contract' and the 'sparks-versus-fireworks' model of desire, indicating her work is highly complementary.
- Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships · David Schnarch
Cited for the concept that the spouse with lower desire sets the pace for the couple's sex life, suggesting this book provides a deeper dive into the power dynamics of intimacy.
- Fighting for Your Marriage · Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, and Susan L. Blumberg
Cited for its communication techniques, specifically 'active listening,' positioning it as a key resource for improving the general communication necessary for emotional intimacy.
- I'm Not in the Mood · Judith Reichman, M.D.
Recommended for its detailed medical information, including a specific list of blood tests a woman should request from her doctor to investigate biological causes of low desire.
- The New Male Sexuality · Bernie Zilbergeld
Recommended as a resource for men to better understand their own sexuality beyond performance pressures and myths.