Book
Feeling Good Together
David D. Burns
A cognitive therapist reveals that troubled relationships stem not from a lack of skills but from our own provocative behaviors and hidden motivations, offering a five-step communication method to transform conflict into intimacy by focusing on changing ourselves.
What it’s about
Feeling Good Together challenges the conventional wisdom that relationship problems are caused by a lack of communication skills. Instead, Dr. David Burns argues that we unknowingly provoke and maintain the very conflicts we complain about, driven by hidden rewards like power, blame, and moral superiority. This book introduces Cognitive Interpersonal Therapy (CIT), a revolutionary approach based on the principle that you have the power to transform any relationship—with a spouse, child, colleague, or friend—by taking 100% responsibility and focusing on changing only yourself. Through practical tools like the Relationship Journal and the Five Secrets of Effective Communication (Disarming, Empathy, Inquiry, "I Feel" Statements, and Stroking), you'll learn to dissolve defensiveness, de-escalate conflict, and turn moments of friction into opportunities for profound warmth, trust, and intimacy.
The through-line
- Who it’s for
- The reader is a person in a troubled relationship who feels frustrated, hurt, and stuck in a cycle of conflict. They want to experience warmth, intimacy, and respect but instead face arguments, criticism, and emotional distance, leaving them feeling like a helpless victim of the other person's behavior.
- The problem
- Constant arguments, criticism, defensiveness, and emotional distance are poisoning a key relationship. Feeling frustrated, lonely, misunderstood, helpless, angry, and resentful.
- The plan
- Diagnose your relationship by assessing your satisfaction and motivations.
- Abandon the blame game and adopt a mindset of 100% personal responsibility for improving the relationship.
- Master and apply the Five Secrets of Effective Communication using the step-by-step Relationship Journal.
- The payoff
- Enjoying warm, trusting, and loving relationships with the important people in your life. · Feeling empowered to resolve any conflict quickly and turn arguments into opportunities for greater intimacy. · Experiencing a life filled with connection, understanding, and joy in your interactions with others.